There is something about losing your mother that is permanent and inexpressible- a wound that will never quite heal.- Susan Wiggs
I knew that writing this post would be hard and maybe that’s why I kept pushing it back. But now that it’s the end of summer, I can’t push it back anymore.
May 10th-Another milestone I completed in my life as soon as I walked across that stage. All the assignments, research papers, projects, all-nighters, stress, doubts these past 5 years were all worth it for this moment and it should’ve been a happy day for me but it wasn’t.
My college graduation is something that I always though about and when the day came, it was completely different than what I imagined it would be. Even though I was surrounded by so many people, I couldn’t help but feel that something was missing. More like someone-my mom.
Everyone has a reason to why they want to go to college, the obvious answer is to study something you can make a career out of. That was my answer but it was also because of my mom.
She has always pushed my siblings and I in school because she was never able to finish school. At a young age my mom dropped out of high school to help my grandmother raise her siblings and pay the bills. She never was able to go back and get her GED or go to college.
Being the oldest I was the first one to graduate from high school and go into college. She was so proud of me and in a way I knew that she was living through me when I made these milestones, because they were also hers in a way.
Once I was in college she continue to support me when I decided to go to community college instead of straight into the university. She pushed me when I wanted to give up in my math and biology classes. She saw me struggle from my hard classes to doing all-nighters but she kept reminding me that I would soon be transferring soon.
Once I transferred to the University of Houston she continued to support me as I declared my major in Communications. She pushed me when I was super shy to join organizations to make friends on campus. Because of that, my 1st semester at UH I joined the school’s newspaper, The Cougar and my sorority, Sigma Kappa where I gained new friends.
Before she passed away, she saw me go through everything my first years in college, through the struggles to the accomplishments. But she never really knew that one of the reasons why I kept going was because of her.
School after she passed away was so hard. I was really good at hiding it and I convinced everyone that I was doing well but in reality I was drowning in deadlines. She was my motivation and I lost that.
For a while I lost the interest to do much of anything. But what scared me the most was that I lost the interest in my major. For the longest time that I can remember, journalism was all that I wanted to do then one day it just wasn’t. For almost 3 semesters I doubted if I really wanted to still major in it or if I should change my major.
And then literally a year after her death, one of my Communications professors asked us why we choose to be journalists. When she asked that question, she reminded me of all my career goals that I wanted to accomplish in my life that I had set for myself back in high school.
That semester defined my college career as I remembered why I choose this major. That question sparked something in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time-my interest came back. I began to actually do my assignments not just complete them to turn them in for
PC: Selena Salinas
a grade but I took time to read the chapters and learn as much as I could in my classes.
Knowing I almost switched majors or might have dropped out of college, makes graduating so much more meaningful.
Ironically my graduation ceremony was May 10th, Spanish mother’s day which made it even more special and harder. A couple of weeks before, I thought about not walking because I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep it together but after talking to a friend who also lost her mom and was graduating on the same day, she reminded me that because of them we’ve gotten to that point of our lives. And we not only owed it to them but to ourselves to walk that stage. And we did!
My mom would’ve been the first person I wanted to hug because I owe a lot to her. But I know in some way she was there and was so proud of everything I overcame to get there.
But my college graduation was a reminder that every milestone that I have in the future she won’t be there. And that’s what makes it bittersweet.
Love Always,
Lidia
