Guilty Thoughts

” As I sit in heaven and watch you every day, I try to let you know with signs I never went away...”

-Unknown

Every once and a while, my aunt who is also my godmother sends me quotes, poems, articles, and stories on Facebook. She’s started sending me them after my mom passed away.

Most of them are about someone passing and she sends them to remind me that I am not alone when at times I do feel alone.

Ironically, sometimes when she sends me something it describes what I am feeling at the moment.

There is a poem she send me a couple of days ago, that is short but through tears took me forever to read. And I read it a couple of times…over and over again.

I’ve had this feeling for a couple of years now, that is difficult to put into words. But in this poem, there is a sentence that finally puts my feelings into words. This is the poem:

As I Sit in Heaven

As I sit in heaven and watch you every day, I try to let you know with signs I never went away. I hear you when you’re laughing and watch you as you sleep. I even place my arms around you to calm you as you weep. I see you wish the days away. Begging to have me home so I try to send you signs so you know you are not alone. Don’t feel guilty that you have life that was denied to me. Heaven is truly beautiful. Just wait and see. So live your life, laugh again, enjoy yourself, be free. Then I know with every breathe you take, you’ll be taking one for me.– Unknown

When I read that part, all the thoughts and emotions came flooding back. Sometimes when something good happens in my life and I am happy, I can’t help but feel guilty.

I didn’t always feel this way (blog post about this coming soon). But for now, short story is it wasn’t until I studied abroad in Spain, that I realized that ever since my mom passed away I was scared to live my life because hers ended so abruptly.

After that trip, I started living more by taking risks and opportunities that I denied myself because I was “scared”. But as I live my life, there are times that I do feel guilty that I’m doing so and she no longer is.

I know that the guilt won’t always be there and at times I forget about it. But when I am alone, this thought does pop up every once awhile…not as much as before though.

This last part is so beautiful. When I feel guilty, I like to think that she would say something like this. My mom always believed in my dream of becoming a journalist and to live my life however I wanted as long as I am happy doing so.

Many of the decisions and actions that I have made since she passed, I have kept her in mind. And I like to think when there is a monumental moment in my life that she is there experiencing it also.

So when the guilty thoughts returns, I’ll remind myself that I don’t have to feel guilty and instead live my life like my mom lived hers…with love, laughter and a lot of tequila!

Love Always,

Lidia

P.S. To my godmother…Titi Gloria. Thank you for sending me all those poems, quotes, articles, and stories. You have no idea how much that have positively impacted me and I love reading them! So please don’t ever stop sending me them! <3